Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel all that great when I woke up. I went downstairs and said good morning to my wife who responded with a grunt. No “happy birthday” wishes there. My kids were no better. They just looked at me funny for saying, “good morning.” By the time I got to the office I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but once there my secretary Jane said, “Good morning Boss. Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked through lunch, and at 1:30 Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside. Let’s go get some lunch, just you and me.” Lunch sounded good, I was hungry and it was my birthday. We went to a small restaurant, sat in a dark booth, had an incredible meal, great conversation, and a few martinis. After lunch, Jane said, “You know it’s such a beautiful day. Let’s just blow off work for the rest of the day!” “Screw work!” I thought. “What you got in mind?” I asked. “We could go back to my apartment….” She cooed. “What the hell. Why Not!” I thought, “It is my birthday, and no one else cares.” We nervously climbed the stairs to her apartment, and once inside she said, “I’m going to go into my room for a minute, I’ll be right out.” “OK,” I nervously responded. About five minutes later she came out of her room with a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife and kids, all my coworkers, and my friends. And I just sat there. On the couch…. Naked.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample. The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened. "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.When we went to investigate, i saw the ball in a cows ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and thats when I made my mistake." "What mistake was that?" asked the doctor. " I said hey this looks like yours hun!"

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" "So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!" To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams…and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent. The doctor say, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde." She sheepishly admits that she is indeed a blonde and asks, "But, how did you know?" "Because, my dear…" he says, "Your finger is broken."

At the end of a job interview, a young Engineer fresh out of MIT was asked, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!

A man was really drunk in a bar. He decided it was time to go home or else his wife would be mad. Every time he tried to walk however he always tripped and fell. When he finally got home he fell on the bed and he heard his wife was on the phone. "Yes he returned home right now. Yes I will inform him about this." The wife put down the phone and went to her husband. She told him he was drunk again. The husband asked how did she know. She said the bar called and told her he forgot his wheelchair in the bar again.

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.